Just go! After these messages… After these messages… After these messages… After these messages… We’ll be right back! Yeah, this one launches the nostalgic feels. It’s the first commercial for Super Smash Bros. on Nintendo 64. Now it’s a commonplace idea to see your favorite lovable characters beat the shit out of each other, but back then, seeing these cuddly cuteballs skip was pretty shocking when it was followed by this. Good Lord! Suddenly, it’s Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator looking over an enchanted bloodbath! Narrator: Something’s gone wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo. NC: What I like is before you realize it’s all going this direction, it just looks like Mario snapped at Yoshi. What the hell did he do? Did he have a flashback to when he was a baby and Yoshi failed to protect him? (as Mario): Never forgive, asshole! (as DK): You’re a dickhead, Mario! (as Mario): You’re-a the dickhead! [Verbally (as well as physically) abusing each other] 10 points to whoever threw Pikachu twice, by the way. (as Pikachu): Pika, NOOOOOO! Why were they even skipping if they were just gonna fight? Is it like A Clockwork Orange where Mario knew he was gonna jack them up? (as Mario): I was calm on the outside but thinking all of the time. So now it was Yoshi the general saying what to do and what not to do. Well, I viddied what to do. Couldn’t you just get revenge by dropping off another cliff? We know the Yoshi species are like socks to you. Ultra violent as hell, but pretty funny, too, this commercial hits hard in the laughs. Narrator: Only on Nintendo 64. Alex: I was cured, alright. Boy 1: Where’s the ring? Girl 1: Here’s the ring. Ring Pop! NC: Hey, kids, wanna eat your bling? Seek help, and then seek a Ring Pop. Boy 2: Will you wear my ring? Girl 2: Ring Pop! Singers: ♪ It’s a lollipop without a stick. ♪ ♪ A ring of flavor you can lick! ♪ NC: It’s a catchy jingle and a typical setup, but it is one of those few commercials that have me constantly asking the question: What happened after? I know, I know, these are just playful scenarios to set up jokes, but what if they didn’t cut away? How would the rest of these scenes play out? Boy 2: Will you wear my ring? Girl 2: Ring Pop! NC: (as Girl 2): [Laughs] Seriously, where’s the ring, though? (as Boy 2): Well, I, uh…uh… (as Girl 2): You kept a box behind your back saying “Will you wear my ring?” You do not screw with a girl when it comes to this! (as Boy 2): W-well, I got some Tootsie Rolls, if you’re interested in any of those. (as Girl 2): Oh, look, I can turn it around and wear on the inside. (as Boy 2): What does it have to do with- OW! Boy 1: Where’s the ring? Girl 1: Here’s the ring! Ring pop! NC: Ok, what the hell? You told me there was a ring, I thought I was fighting the school bully. I was pissing myself with fear when it was all just a pun for edible jewelery? Girl 1: Ring Pop! NC: Yeah, here’s your pop. ♪ Wear a ring around your finger ♪ ♪ Ring Pop! ♪ Girl 3: I love the way your ring looks! Girl 4: I love the way my ring tastes! Girl 3: Ring Pop! Man 1: Can I get some milk, please? Man 2: She got the last one. NC: Believe it or not, there was a time when the funniest commercials you could watch were milk commercials. Yeah, in the early 90s milk sales were down, so the California Milk Processor Board hired renowned advertising agency, Goodby Silverstein & Partners to make milk… well, kinda cool! But how do you do that? But how do you do that? It’s milk! I mean, this was their advertising campaign before: NC: Clearly, it didn’t have that big an effect! But with the catchphrase of only 2 words, “Got milk?”, suddenly, milk was hilarious. Batcave Announcer: Attention, attention! Family thinks high toy price is a joke! NC: Oh, no! Kermit: Crumpets? Goddamn crumpets?! Are you shitting me?! We’re the friggin’ Muppets, not Teletubbies! Larry: I think if you considered- Kermit: No!
Larry: I think if you considered- NO! My grandfather was an old, Jewish sock and he came to this country to uphold our The Frog name! You don’t get me better deals, you’re letting a generation of FABRIC DOWN! Larry: Look, if you just think about it- Kermit: Oh, I see. You want me to think about it. Well, think about this, Larry. My banjo Rainbow-connecting to what’s left of your BALLS! NO CRUMPETS! Nancy? Nancy: Yes, Mr. F? Kermit: Could you run down to Bimmy’s and give me another six-pack of Hopping Frog Beer? Nancy: Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Mr. F? Kermit: I’ll tell you when I’ve HAD ENOUGH! Nancy: Oh! You washed-up BASTARD! Kermit: [Sigh] When did the rainbow fade? NC: Wow. I got really depressing on that one, didn’t I? Well… Here’s hopefully a more chipper commercial to make you feel better. You were still thinking about Kermit, weren’t you? So was I. NC: OK, c’mon, c’mon, maybe I won’t think of the PSA. Pound Puppies. Pound. Give us a pound, or we’ll pull the trigger. I’m sorry, you’re cute, but I need time! Girl 1: Mickey, come over for a party. NC: Kid, you are way too young to be into Mickey Mouse watching you potty. Also, you sound relatively disinterested in it. Girl 1: Mickey, come over for a party. NC: To be fair, it’s better than this obviously confused kid. Girl 2: Sorry, wrong number. NC: Who says that to a character phone? That’s like playing Mario Bros. and saying… “This has nothing to do with plumbing.” ♪ I can have a talk with Mickey Mouse, from anywhere inside my house ♪ Bambi: Hello, this is Bambi. My mother and I are- AAAAA- Frollo: Hello, this is Judge Frollo. My sexual lust for gypsy girls half my age burns like Hell’s fire- Cast of Song of the South: Hello, we’re the cast from Song of the South. Crows: Hello, we the crows from Dumbo! NC: You know what you’re doing. I know what that wink means. You know what you’re doing. NC: Nope, nope, I am not saying a thing! I am not saying a thing! You hear me? Not a goddamn word! But you think way too highly of me if you think I’m not gonna re-edit this in a humorous way! Voice: HEEEEEY! YOU LOOK LIKE REAL JERKS! SO WHATCHA DOIN’? Rob: Oh, well, we’re going to a family reunion- Voice: SHUT UP! YOU’RE FIGHTING DINOSAURS NOW! Doug: AAAH! AAAH! AAAAA- Voice: HEY JERK, WHATCHA DOIN’? Malcolm: I got sweet potato yams made from potat- Voice: SHUT UP! YOU’RE GOING UP AGAINST… KILLER SKELETONS! Malcolm: AAAH! Voice: HEY JERK, WHATCHA DOIN’? Jim: Well, I’ve got some- Voice: SHUT UP, YOU’RE… IN A VOLCANO! Jim: AAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAH! Voice: HEY JERK! Barney: Um- Voice: SHUT UP! SPACE! Voice: HEY JERK! WHATCHA DOIN’?! Tamara: Oh! I just made pie. Voice: ACTUALLY THAT SOUNDS REALLY NICE. Tamara: It’s apple pie. Voice: THAT’S MY FAVOURITE. Tamara: Would you like a slice? Voice: PLEASE. Voice: THAT’S DELICIOUS. Tamara: Oh! Thank you. You know, the secret ingredient is- Voice: NOT TO BREAK DOWN THE MOOD BUT I THINK I KILLED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY. Tamara: …what? Voice: YEAH… …I GAVE ONE TO A T-REX… …A SKELETON KILLED ANOTHER… …ONE OF THEM MELTED… …ANOTHER IS IN SPACE… …I KILLED YOUR DOG… …PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING YOU CHERISH IS GONE. Tamara: …well, I- Voice: I’M SORRY! I GET CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES. Tamara: *spluttering, on the verge of crying* I-I don’t- Voice: BUT HEY, HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED ATARI’S POLE POSTITION? Tamara: *still on the verge of crying* No! Voice: IT’S A LOT OF FUN! YOU SHOULD TRY IT. Tamara: O-okay… Voice: *voice cracking* OK… WELL, I’M GONNA GO AWAY AND BE A VOICE, YOU HAVE REALLY NICE PIE. SORRY I KILLED YOUR FAMILY. Tamara: *sobbing* Okay… *sobs* I’ll check out Atari’s P-Pole Position… Voice: IT’S REALLY GOOD! Wow. Again, I went really dark on that one. Really dark. I am The Nostalgia Critic and… I don’t know why I look forward to this every year. I think I’m sick. REALLY SICK. yeah… Goddamn crumpets? Are you shitting me?! We’re the friggin’ Muppets, not Teletubbies! (Kermit’s head then hits the empty bottle of beer, it rolls and falls on the floor) No! No! My grandpa- (hits on the phone rapidly) Noooo! (Everyone in the room laughs) (Ball Buster Announcer) Try to bust your opponent’s balls.