-I was running
a bit behind today, so I thought if you guys
wouldn’t mind, I’d just like to write out my weekly thank-you
notes right now. Is that okay? [ Cheers and applause ] It’s Thursday.
-Thursday. -Thursday is when I write out
my thank-you notes. -Yeah, Thursday is thank you
note day. -Yes. That’s correct,
it is. Yeah. James, can I get some thank-you
note writing music, please? [ Melancholy music playing ] He’s always in a good mood. -Wow.
-He’s always in a good mood. -It is like he’s wishing you
happy birthday with his eyes. [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, “Ad Astra”, for looking like
a great sci-fi movie but sounding like a new
24-hour allergy medication. [ Laughter and applause ] -Ask your doctor
about “Ad Astra.” -May cause sneezing. [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you,
Sean Spicer’s debut on “Dancing with the Stars” —
-Oh. -For looking like a highlighter
going through a mid-life crisis. [ Laughter and applause ] -How about neon green?
-What is going on? -God. Oh, my God. [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, Bernie Sanders, saying he’ll release
his medical records. Or, as Bernie put it, “And you thought the Mueller
report was long. I’ve been alive since 1863!” [ Cheers and applause ] [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, people who say
“autumn” instead of “fall,” for being the same people who won’t stop talking
about traveling abroad in Bar-the-Lona. [ Laughter and applause ] Come on.
-Come on. -Barcelona. “Oh, we had such a great time
in Bar-the-Lona.” [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, 25th anniversary
of the TV show “Friends” — [Cheering and applause] Or the 26th
if you’re counting that year that we were on a break! [ Cheers and applause ] -Nice call back. -Thank you. [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, people singing
the national anthem at sporting events, for answering the question, “What would it sound
like to hear 30,000 people mumble the word ‘ramparts'”? [ Laughter ] O’er the… [Mumbling] What’s a —
What’s a rampart? -Rampart?
-What’s a rampart? -Do you know what a rampart is? -It’s like a, uh, ramp… that leads up to a battlement. -No, that is not true.
-What is it? -I do know what it is.
No, it’s for real. -Is it part of a ramp?
A ramp part? -No. Rampart, one word. “O’er the ramparts we watched.”
Right? -Right. Yeah, sure. -It’s a protective wall
around a fort. -Yes, that’s usually
at a raked angle. [ Laughter ] -That’s true, but I mean — [ Laughter ] -To deflect cannon shells.
-Yes, that’s correct, but it — -More the angle the wall,
the thicker the cannon shells. -Yes. So you’re saying
it is a ramp? -A ramp — a part of a ramp. [ Laughter ] I thought it was
“Rampart: First Blood.” Is that not it?
-No. That’s just — No, “Rambo: Last Blood.” -I just lost 10 grand. [ Laughter ] -You got to stop gambling.
-To James. -Bet James 10 grand.
-You bet James $10,000? -Yeah. I feel like a fool. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Melancholy music playing ] -Thank you, President Trump, for holding a rally
in New Mexico. Or as you would first put it,
“Wait, there’s a new Mexico? We have to build a wall now! [ Applause ] We have to build — We have to build a rampart. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] We got to build a rampart…”
-A virtual rampart. -“…that fries eggs.” -“It is a virtual wall.”
-“Fries eggs and bacon. [ Sizzling ] Very loud wall. A sizzling wall.” [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, motion-activated
bathroom lights that randomly turn off, for making me feel
like I’m landing a 747 with my pants around my ankles. [ Laughter and applause ] Come on. Turn it back on.
-Come on! [ Laughter and applause ] -You have to stand.
-What was that? [ Laughter ] [ Melancholy music playing ] Thank you, restaurant checks
that show suggested tip amounts, for basically being
a multiple-choice question that asks,
“How cheap are you?” Thank you very much.
Those are my thank-you notes.