♫ GENTLE GUITAR ♫
[VOICEOVER:] Strong. Informed. Fundamental. Meet Ted Cruz, America’s next President. Ted is the sensible choice for American families,
with American values. If elected, Ted Cruz would reinforce American
family valu– American values. American Eagle. American,
apple pie and baseball, values. American values. [EXHALES] [V.O.:] He would also eliminate the I.R.S….
somehow. Ted Cruz oversees N.A.S.A., but only sexy
outer-space N.A.S.A., not the research done on quote unquote “climate
change,” which is a myth scientists made up for fun. One time, Ted Cruz compared Obamacare to the
Nazis, because America’s next President doesn’t need to read history books with any
degree of comprehension, right?! Back in college, Ted Cruz invented the re-growable
hymen, and by invented, we mean he said a re-growable hymen would be
a cool way to tell if your wife had cheated. What? That’s not how hymens work? Sorry,
I didn’t realize you were a hymen SCIENTIST. Whatever that is! So vote Ted Cruz, and vote for a guy who vaguely
understands a few things, and objectively hates the rest. ‘Cept White Castle! I love White Castle,
those little burgers, so cute. [V.O.:] Ted Cruz. Yes, he’s being serious.