Drugs are dope, man. I think we can all
agree with that. Drugs are tight, right? ( cheers, applause ) Some of the coolest things
that have ever happened
in the world happened because of drugs, because someone
was high on drugs. And I say all that,
and I don’t even do drugs. I don’t do any, I swear.
I don’t smoke weed. Heroin gives me tummyaches.
I don’t do anything. I have a very sensitive
stomach to heroin. I got the allergy
you always read about. I’m always
at restaurants like, “Hey, I hate to be that guy, but is there any heroin
in the Caesar salad? I can’t– I can’t take it. I’ll get the shakes.
I’ll steal my mom’s TV. I can’t do it again.” Never did drugs,
even as a kid. I was, like, a square kid. Sometimes I feel like
the only kid who fell
for the DARE campaign. Y’all remember,
they had the kids on TV. Like,
“Ew, gross, marijuana? That stuff’s illegal.” And then we were
supposed to believe that kid had sex ever again,
you know what I mean? Women don’t have sex
with snitches. They don’t.
I’m not an expert on girls, and I don’t pretend to be,
but I’ve never heard a girl say this out loud,
like, “Hey. You know what turns me on? A guy who calls the police
for noise violations. Mm, tuck in
that t-shirt, daddy. Play that clarinet. Those DARE commercials used
to be wild, right? I remember one,
this was the worst. They had one
with a talking dog. Y’all remember that one? The girl– if you don’t
remember, this girl, she gets super high
on marijuana, and her dog starts
talking to her, right? And her dog starts saying
some pretty real shit. Like her dog basically says, “Look, ever since you
started doing drugs, our relationship has changed. You’re not the same person
you used to be. I just wish we could go back
to what we had.” And I remember watching
that commercial and thinking to myself, “Why is this dog
talking like that?” Right?
Why is this dog talking like the deep-voiced dude
in Boyz 2 Men? Right? The dog–
that’s not a dog. I had a dog.
If my dog could talk, she would just mostly be like,
“Hey! Hey! Who’s at the door? I love you!
Who’s at the door? You cooking?
Who’s at the door? All right, I’ma go eat
your roommate’s tampons. I don’t know why I do it,
I just do it. I’m not
a sophisticated animal. I certainly can’t tell
changes in your behavior. Who is at the door?” The worst–
this was the worst, when they, uh–
they started targeting
DARE commercials specifically
at black people. Perhaps this
also remembers that. They did the same thing
with all of our commercials. Y’all know it, you know.
They add hip-hop. That’s always our commercial. It’s the same commercial
y’all get, but then there’s
a motherfucker break dancing. Like, “Crack? Hell nah, dawg. Not no more.” And it’s so condescending. And it’s– I hate it,
because here’s why. Because it presumes
that all black people
are the same, that we’re just
this homogenous group that’s easily enticed
by hip-hop, and we’re not. We’re as diverse
and complicated as any of you. Look, one of my favorite
things to do in the world, absolute favorite things
to do in the world, I like to get myself
a medium cup of frozen yogurt, right? Medium cu– I’m not greedy. A medium cup
of frozen yogurt, and I like to sit at home, and I watch YouTube videos
of people getting engaged. – ( cheers, applause )
– Thank you. That’s my shit. I do it for hours. Hours of just eating yogurt
and having a nice cry and enjoying love happening. Afterwards, I’ll look
myself in the mirror, and I’ll be like,
“Yo, son, you a real-ass nigga.” And that’s– that’s not in
those commercials. “Wipe your tears, dawg.
We good. We got a big day
ahead of us.”