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If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other “Feminine Products”)

If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other “Feminine Products”)


– Hello ladies. When you are experiencing the effects of your monthly menstrual cycle, does blood come out of your vagina at the most inconvenient times? Are you tired of ruining
your best clothes? Does the idea of playing
sports or even just standing up and feeling like a jellyfish glorped out of you make you nervous? Hello. My name is Roger Horton,
and I’m here to sell you our Horton Family Vaginal
Blood Absorbency Sticks. Our Vaginal Blood Absorbency
Sticks are pretty good at soaking up a majority
of that monthly shedding of uterine lining, and we think
you’ll be moderately pleased with how they improve your life. We want you to know that your shark week will be mostly mess free when
you use our absorbent sticks. (laughs) And we’ll never say period. We’ll always use a slightly embarrassing or straight up shaming
euphemism for the thing that almost every fertile woman has to do. To convince you to buy our
product we’re currently playing trendy, upbeat
music while simultaneously inundating you with images of active and seemingly carefree young women who are not currently
experiencing the effects of menstruation. This will make you wish to
also be happy and carefree while not currently experiencing
the cramping, nausea, headaches or whatever personal effects of menstruation you get
which is obviously something that our fluffy, absorby
stick simply cannot deliver. During this time when you
are, as they would say in Spain defrosting the steak. You know because your period is similar to a dead, bloody, slab of meat, see? Everyone, everywhere agrees
that your menstruation is too disturbing and
shouldn’t really be discussed. So we promise to never
show red in our commercials for absorbent vaginal discharge products. Anything that would
normally be described as red such as blood, we are
committed to always portraying as blue. We also promise to exclusively
represent your period with vague images of squiggly
lines, bouncing balls, and balloons. You know, because men
could be watching this, and we don’t want to ick them out. Unless you are younger
than 10 to 14 years of age which is when most women
experience puberty. Every potential baby carrier
is intimately familiar with the menstrual cycle. If your egg hasn’t been
fertilized by a male’s sperm, your body will shed the
bloody, viscous lining of its uterus. Menstrual blood then
oozes out of your uterus through a small opening in your cervix and gushes out of your vagina. Gross. We know. No one wants to sit
around in a sticky cavern of discomfort which is why you should buy our Vaginal Blood Soak ‘Em Up Sticks. Our Soak ‘Em Ups are made
with real, non-organic cotton and rayon along with synthetic
fibers such as viscose rayon which is added to increase absorbency. That’s why our sticks can
carry more than 20 times their weight in blood. Viscose rayon is just a
fancy word for wood pulp. We prepare this pulp for your vagina by using the disinfectant
chlorine dioxide. This process produces
trace amounts of dioxin which is known to cause reproductive and developmental impairment. But don’t worry because
the FDA says that dioxins in our absorbent blood sticks exist at extremely low levels
and are hardly detectable. So keep sticking those
chemicals up there ladies. Hey. Did you know that in Denmark
your period is called Communist in the Gazebo? Get it? Because communists are red,
and so is menstrual blood. Anyway, our competitors may
claim that their product is made by a female
gynecologist but not me. Because I am a man. Which is why you can trust that
I created products designed to keep your Aunt Flo
as discreet as possible. Heads up. Look, gals. The truth is that menstruation
is a bodily function just like pooing or peeing. Most modern women experience an average of 450 menstrual cycles
and are expected to use at least 10,000 hygienic
blood sticks during the course of their child bearing lifetime. So you might as well
stop complaining about it and buy our product. Hell, we’ll even tack on a
luxury tax even though you have to buy this. I mean you could always
just suck it up, right? Just be sure not to leave our sticks of blood absorbing fabric
shoved up inside of you for too long. Otherwise you may run
the risk of developing Toxic Shock Syndrome,
or TSS, which is a rare but life-threatening bacterial infection. But if you don’t want to
shove a potentially poisonous blood rag into your who-ha,
we’re happy to also offer new Horton Family Blood
Absorbing Diaper Stickers. Simply take one of our stickers off of its adhesive backing,
apply it to the inside of your underwear, and
allow yourself the luxury of just simply sitting in
a pool of room temperature liquid all day. But don’t worry we have a
luxury tax for that too. You and your luxurious blood puddle. So the next time you are
riding the crimson wave pick up a box of The Horton Family
Vaginal Blood Absorbency Soak ‘Em Up Sticks. Because they’re probably
better than wearing nothing. Crimson wave was a clueless reference. I’m Roger, by the way. Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.

100 thoughts on “If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other “Feminine Products”)

  1. He should have mentioned that if a woman has sex with a man during that time of the month, the after effects will look like the woman was hiding a dog inside her cooter and someone shot it.

  2. "Because men could be watching and we don't want to ick them out" 😳🙄😂 yet bloody violent entertainment is somehow less disturbing to them than our periods🤣

  3. If laundromats were honest would make a funny video. You could break down the high costs, the fact that they only play depressing news channels or kid shows depending on time of day. Serve cold coffee, and require a memebership card to use the restroom if one is available! Lol love this channel.

  4. One should not wear more tampons more than two hours and always wear a pad. I have no clue how women leave them there that long and how they never wear pad when those sticks leak.

  5. Recently, I´ve seen a commercial showing the blood as flowers that came out of your uterus.

    Wtf. As if.

  6. Do an Apple commercial with their crappy keyboards, non repairable machines and genius bar always making you purchase instead of repair.

  7. Do "If Shoe Commercials Were Honest (Nike, Jordan, Adidas)" black people buy Jordans just because 🤦🏾‍♂️

  8. This should have been hilarious, but it's no funnier than any other long ass infomercial. Try a 1 minute format. This out stayed its welcome after 30 seconds.

  9. I LOVED everything about this video! 😂

    Girls, he's right, look out: there are a lot more options available, better for you and environment, find the one that truly suits you better, leave the adverts alone!

  10. That's why I use menstrual cup, better than pads and tampons. Doesn't smell and you don't even feel like you are on a period ☺

  11. I hope that women in the future would shed the shame of her menstruation and learn the secrets that the matriarch new about it.

  12. You forgot the part about how cotton bits get stuck inside you and you grow skin back over it to make complication-inducing lumps… 🤦

  13. I never realized how toxic those were till I heard this. Tampons are bleached and who knows what other chemicals are in them and women are exposing themselves over and over again every time they shove one in.

  14. If socialist leaders were honest:
    "Sure socialism has always resulted in widespread human suffering that is more depraved and imporverished than even the worst examples of capitalist oppression (excluding slavery). But its all for the greater good of equality for all- except for your faithful socialist leaders. We don't have to give up anything because we work so hard to bring you utopia. We promise to continue taking the wealth (and usually lives) of CITIZENS who have more things than everyone else. We promise to keep you safe from the danger of having weapons strong enough to oppose our government issue technology.

    Now, we know that religion teaches that stealing is wrong, so we are going to ban religion and teach you in schools, entertainment, and news that stealing is okay if you call someone evil before you do it. In fact we will teach that you can do anything to someone who is evil,. Why the wholesale massacre of evil capitalists is only justice, but that is strictly the people's justice because we will kill you if you express belief in God."

  15. If porn was honest.
    1. Where a fucking condom, if you don't you'll either die of aids or have a kid that you don't want
    2. CONSENT IS FUCKING REQUIRED YOU SICK FUCK
    3. If you actually do this, you'll get arrested. Don't fucking do it
    4. Getting laid doesn't work that way
    5. Did I mention that consent is pretty fucking important?!
    6. Don't have sex with your family members or pets you sicko, get help

  16. Dracula's Teabag… I'm sorry to say, some "yobbo" told me that one "down tha pub", Years ago when I thought that was funny and went to the pub before I heard "honesty about drinking at the pub"

  17. The advertisers say that there are only small amounts of cancerous-causing dioxin in tampons and sanitary pads. BUT a woman needs to use at least 10,000 tampons or sanitary tampons in her lifetime. Go figure.

  18. Wtf why is there a luxury tax on vag corks?… I mean for real though.. As a dude I can get free condoms ALL DAY LONG…. but not only do chicks have to pay for inanimate vampire pussy sticks.. there is a fucking LUXURY tax on it?…. The fuck? Can't tell men are making the laws can you?

  19. Now they brought out knickers so they now can where your bloody knickers longer and I've never known anybody where weight shorts when on there bad week??

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