[Cracked logo intro] Hi, I’m Roger,
and I have one question: Are you ready to become
the best you can possibly be? The answer is no, no you’re not.
So buy this doodad. I call it the Horton Phone Bracelet. It’s a fitness related status symbol that’s smart,
in the sense that it talks to the internet. And you can use this do-dad for everything,
theoretically. Which makes it your fault,
if it doesn’t change your life. Once you shackle yourself to this electric jewelry,
you can track your steps, mileage, heart rate.
And other data you never tracked before, because who cares? No one cared before.
Caring about it, is a need I invented to sell this kind of stuff, and once you invest in this kind of stuff, you’ll feel that need – which you’ll decide is good!
And as soon as you sync your Horton Phone Bracelet to your much more boring pocket-computer-phone. If you use a
uHorton XPhone Generation 8 (otherwise go jump in a lake,
you loser) Anyway this doodad on a necklace,
for your wrist, lets you use your phone (without touching your phone)
by touching this instead, once you’ve made it
your phone’s tiny friend. And for just a couple months rent, you can back-order this,
receive one when we’re done making enough of them,
slap it on your wrist and fumble at it
with your big hammy screen tappers. And did I mention it’s waterproof?
(for the most part) You’re welcome!
(for the most part) Close a business deal from any location,
no matter how illogical. Stay notified of your
familiar humans activities, while you’re with different,
more familiar humans. Run
places! [Fit guy]:
It does all that? [Business woman]:
I could really use one! [Old lady]:
I’ll take two! Everybody wants one,
because our tech companies
target market is humanity. And we can’t sell people our phone twice! So we build a-not-phone
phone, that everybody could use
and ended up with this
health centric TV for mice. That we need you,
to tell yourself you need, Or tell yourself and
make a good gift! – that’s how most people end up
with these things – So why not one of your
close familiar humans? Courage, Bitiflexity,
that’s meaningless. But it sounds like the top thing,
doesn’t it? Those words and
even more words describe
the Horton Phone Bracelet. Because we say they do! And the wearable health gizmo market is so new,
no one can prove we’re wrong yet. But we might be right,
and you like stuff! Hell you can’t get
e-BEEP-nough of it! So grab yourself
a Horton phone bracelet! And wear something
the past’s idea of what a detective from the future would wear.
Today! I’m still Roger,
by the way. [Fit Guy] Wow, I can even use this to catch Pokemon. [Roger] Sure, whatever that is,
go nuts. [Business Women] I just caught a Pidgey! [Roger] Okay… [Old lady] I wish my Blastoise
was better against the grass types! [Roger] (What nightmare future have I created?) [Subtitles by Alex Angel and SubtitleYouTube] Thanks for watching, if you want to subscribe hit the Big C in the middle and if you want to watch more videos like honest ads hit one of the boxes to the right! Be sure to hit the
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