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If Mobile Games Were Honest – Honest Ads (Android, iOS Parody)

If Mobile Games Were Honest – Honest Ads (Android, iOS Parody)

– Hi, I’m Roger. Do you have a brain? If so, my company, Horton Mobile Gaming would like to offer you a mobile game. Some call it a casual
game, or most accurately, Horton Mobile Gaming
would like to offer you a feedback loop of colors
and shapes and sounds, that’ll get your brain
high on arbitrary rewards. You see, without stimulation, the brain tends to be sad and scared, and bored, just because. That’s one reason, you already
own these electric toys, but why not use these toys
to take my electric drug. The Horton Brand Psychologically Optimal Colorful Shape Tapper. It’s the kind of game that babies play, but you seem to like it to, so here, just download this digital heroin onto your chosen magical
screen and play with it, a lot, whenever and where ever. When you do, your brain will get high. – Thank you. – (laughing) Oh please, we
give away our feedback loops for free, so you’ll get addicted to them. All we ask is that you
give us a good rating, and we ask it ever hour
until you give us any rating, and you should probably
buy the ad-free version if you want to see a reasonable
amount of your screen. Horton Psychologically
Optimal Color Shape Tapper was built so you’ll make
more progress in it, if you buy imaginary items,
or power-ups, or whatevers. Eventually, it’s not winnable,
unless you buy whatevers, but, good luck. To keep it interesting,
I’ll introduce a new color or shape of whatever,
every once in a while. It’ll get your brain slightly
more high than normal, once. If you get tired of Horton’s Psychologically
Optimal Color Shape Tapper, I’ve also made Horton’s Psychologically Optimal Tapping of Colorful Shapes. You’re hard wired to want to win, no matter how abstract
or childish the goal is, and to be chemically rewarded, no matter how trivial the winning is, so the details of my
game don’t really matter. Sure, I could make the colorful shapes resemble people or creatures, or add some sentences about the storied struggle
between certain colorful shapes and other colorful shapes. I could hire a famous celebrity, who’s willing to act like bopping cartoons on the top of the head, as an epic quest. – Rally your bravest thumbs. – *Beep* that *beep*. (laughing) This *beep* gets ya high, so it’s just colors and shapes. We don’t even have to advertise. Our target market is anyone
who’s ever had spare time or pooped within the last eight years. – You got anymore of those whatevers? – Oh, as many as you can buy,
they basically don’t exist. – Perfect. – Perfect. – Hey, you like standup. Come see the Cracked Standup Show. It’s happening June 22nd at
Meltdown Comic in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing comics, including our own Josh Sargent, go to nerdmeltla.com/tickets. And if you want to see
me do a funny dance, sorry not today.

100 thoughts on “If Mobile Games Were Honest – Honest Ads (Android, iOS Parody)

  1. I dumped my girl firend for fucking my card on piggy boom. Her addiction was on an another level. She had 23 accounts on face book for piggy boom. Not to mention buying snow balls, diamonds and God know what other stuff just to play. She was spending £200 monthly. What really pissed me off her was her being 29 years old and single mother. Had to get rid of her.

  2. As a recovering video game addict I have to say this is 100% accurate. You can over stimulate your brain and cause yourself permanent problems. I was a hardcore gamer for 32 years (since colecovision) and used to laugh about videogame addiction but I havent played in two weeks and I can feel my mind having a hard time adjusting to regular life again. I felt like I had to play every day otherwise I was not being true to myself as a gamer but I started feeling very depressed and i would get very frustrated and drained just from gaming, leaving me way less energy to do things IRL. I dont blame myself because I had a lot of reasons to do it but games these days are made with psychology in mind. They let minors gamble with loot crates and steam offers free weeks and weekends all the time so you can get a taste of the really expensive games so you buy it and then all their DLC. Reminds me a lot of the old drug dealer who says first times free, but then after that we jack up the price.

  3. In the gaming industry when it comes to phone games there's only one special kind of people the industry targets WHALES

  4. The stimulation video games actually give you is via dopamine, which literally makes you high by rigging your brain's reward system.

  5. dude, do not play lords mobile. you will just get screwed over by rich chinese people. to be competetive, you need lots of money, and i do mean lots

  6. People saying Horton could sell water to a fish man Horton could probably not sell me a car for free he’ll ruin it for me

  7. 80s video games used that same ideology "addict" I was one. Now I very rarely play video games from the 80s and never bought modern games they are the worst.

  8. March of Empires is one of these ignorant games. "Free to Play" but you'll be frustrated in a few days and have to pony up $$$ if you wanna keep from getting zeroed.

  9. Thanks for nothing. I do play mobile games such as retro Tetris or Chess, but no more excess since it also takes away life of my battery.

  10. Repetitive moves, new stars levels gold fake coins here have some but not too many you don't deserve that … had to quit playing games and go do adulting.

  11. If porn was honest.
    1. Where a fucking condom, if you don't you'll either die of aids or have a kid that you don't want
    3. If you actually do this, you'll get arrested. Don't fucking do it
    4. Getting laid doesn't work that way
    5. Did I mention that consent is pretty fucking important?!
    6. Don't have sex with your family members or pets you sicko, get help

  12. And I bet lotta people who play these games for hours upon hours complain they don’t make enough money to have a good life well if they took that time and actually worked to make more pay for working more or took that time furthering your education instead of playing your damn game you might have a better life

  13. I’m happy to say that I kicked my habit of playing The Simpsons Tapped Out (TSTO) a few years ago. I realized that even though it was free it would never end and was just wasting my time. If the first thing you do when you wake up is play a freemium game, then you have a problem. Especially if it’s a timed based one.

  14. i got an Android lg phone. i can get a paid ad free version of an app free…and you lose money. that i would have otherwise wasted. chock on that hot dose.

  15. Fuck your channel.

    Why am I pissed off?

    You just couldn’t put out funny videos without getting your little bitch politics pushed out there for all of the other educated dumbass little bitches.
    As long as you continue to show up in my feed, I will keep commenting. How enjoyably perpetuating..


  16. My uncle works at applebees he was playing this mobile game and literally walked into a customer he broke his phone and nearly got fired poor guy I look up to this guy he's on good money

  17. I play mobile games, I like to get electrically high I must admit, but I never pay. Period. Not because I am poor, but because there're much more other interesting things to pay for

  18. "Our target is anyone whose had spare time or pooped within the last 8 years."
    I guess I'm not the target audience…

  19. – You got anymore of these whatevers?
    – Oh, as many as you can buy, they basically don't exist.
    – Perfect
    – Perfect

  20. Hehe whenever they introduce something that I can’t buy or don’t need to, they just make me give up the game quicker. In fact, for me a good game is a free and effective one, but I know the developers need money, and I always asked myself if they get really supported by the premium packages “we” buy.

  21. oooh fuck, Last week i download “Empires and Puzzles” now im level 20 and i promised i wouldn’t buy shit i think i’ve spent 20 bucks already and of course maybe waste like 5days of my life, thanks for this video i mean i know but i needed someone to tell me on my face

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