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Guardians of Ember Review | Ad | Shilling | Sseth is a Hack™

Guardians of Ember Review | Ad | Shilling | Sseth is a Hack™

hello who is this I’ve come to make an offer what offer one you can’t refuse well I just did I’m not interested also how the hell did you get this number I have your feet picks wait really oh yes you have two weeks wait what do you mean goodbye wait wait come back I hope this message finds you well the pact has been made repeat these words to your audience play guardians of Ember and Seth will come out of this unharmed do not try and find us we will find you instead goodbye hey hey people Seth here I just want you to know that I’m doing this of my own free will and I’m in no way shape or form being blackmailed by the 14k triads and to get in Hong Kong today I’ll be playing a game no one’s heard about guardians of Ember why has no one heard about it because we prefer to forget guardians of Ember was originally released in 2016 and published by in Cell Games Limited which turned out to be more than just an unfortunate choice of name in Cell Games Limited did a lot of questionable business practices game Forge the German based publisher of many free to play MMOs in Europe grabbed the guardians of amber license off in cell just a year ago but in doing so they now have an impossible task in front of them picking up the pieces and rebranding this PR disaster into a stable product which is why they’ve hired me to rescue this sinking ship and personally I’m leaving with the women and children Guardian November’s which I’ll just call amber from now on is described as a free to slave no more poker and Diablo meets Wow all I can say is Wow count me in as soon as you load into the client you can tell this game’s got all of your typical RPG fanfare as per industry standards ember takes place in a fantasy world loosely based on the territories of Great Britain right from the beginning you’re presented with making a character you can pick between the standard RPG races being the Welsh the Scottish and the Irish then you have to choose one of the two predefined gender roles on offer male or female which are available to all the races except the Irish who’ve undergone a mutation in their X chromosome that has largely removed the male population from their gene pool replacing them instead with hermaphrodites that don’t grow past puberty I say you can pick a gender for the other races but between you and me only a trade anthropologist can tell the difference between a Scottish male and a Scottish female which is actually defined by the subtle difference in beard size and body fat ratio with females typically having much fuller beards and higher adipose content due to their preferred diet of Gregg’s pasties and sausage rolls males and contrasts are much runt here and more aggressive as they largely subsist on foraged raspberries and leftovers by the apex female after that you have to pick from one of six different classes which can be anything from night to dark night the possibilities are endless there’s also these little bars at the bottom to compare their stats interestingly there’s a damage bar the lowest possible value for a damage bar is for the priests who apparently only does 80 percent of a damage of any other class based on this I think we can all agree that a priest is absolute trash I picked something else instead a ranger write alphabet there’s an intense introduction to the game with some beautiful animations unfortunately my computer’s integrated NVIDIA g1 o5m processor can’t run it on high graphics so I can only imagine how beautiful they are on max settings to summarize the plot there’s goblins invading and we have to kill them although these goblins don’t really look like goblins they look more like pugs or pit bulls from what I can gather the antagonists of this game are pit bull owners or pit mommies as they’re often called despite making up 6.5% of a dog population pit bulls contribute to 66% of total fatalities and in the world of ember they’ve clearly not being spayed or neutered leading to a vast overpopulation of pit bullies who are more than happy tamal your infant children and they will unless we stop them after disposing of these creatures they unleashed a fearsome troll which I slayed by standing still and right clicking I even occasionally dodged attacks for some reason this troll fight has better hit boxes than Dark Souls 2 Miyazaki is a hack but I’m a page schmuck so Who am I to judge after defeating patrol and washing off the fixed sweat on my brow I embarked out into the great wide world of ember I got more skills – you get skills automatically each time you level some of these are pretty good they can also be upgraded bizarrely upgrading skills can make them worse take my bear trap for example I can spend all my skill points to make it do half a damage this is much worse for the night she can upgrade her cleave to give her life leech if she upgrades it again she no longer has life leech similarly she can upgrade her Garen spin to give her life leech as well if she dares to upgrade it again without reading the description she’ll pay dearly with her life truly ember forces you to think and consider your actions since they might end up accidentally killing your character on top of skills you also have attributes these are described as the four humors black bile yellow bile blood and flesh em and if we’ve remembered our understanding of Hippocratic humor ISM under the revised elemental model proposed by impetus then we will also remember the dangers of humoral imbalance to this end we will assign our attributes equally to avoid any of the negative temperamental States to demonstrate four dangers here’s another character I made an Irishman named Sheamus O’Shaunessy he died of severe jaundice and got eaten by the family pig meanwhile my Ranger had a long and generally healthy life adventuring in amber that was until I started jumping jumping combined with my character small stature caused me to glitch inside a brick wall in panic I tried to jump some more instead I started to sink into the ground after some time I accepted my faith and took on my new role as the local tower ghost I haunted this place and I could never leave I could only warn others about the dangers of some even try to help me but I told them I was beyond help go live your life and don’t make the same mistake I did life is brief and extremely precious don’t waste it on smashing your spacebar all day or you’ll end up like me forever clipped inside this shitty tower and so I started a new character a night it was then that I noticed there’s a Phi slider on the character creation menu there was also a buttock slider I set these two Macs and made my night as dummy thick as humanly possible with a curvy case of lordosis to top it off I feel that me and Roode wake her studios despite being thousands of miles away from each other now share a deep spiritual bond the sort of bond that transcends our differences in race opinion and culture but unites us instead as men who can truly appreciate the ass one of the best features of amber of course is that it also works in a window so I can multitask while playing the game no looks like this guy’s winning all right where’s that copypasta Amber’s also got lots of other activities like fishing mining and owning real estate mostly though you’re gonna be killing people and collecting quest XP so to fully immerse myself in a world of Ember and I took the time to personally read every single line of dialogue by every NPC no matter how unimportant they are it was at this point that I realized that the saddest job in the world isn’t being a games journalist it’s being the dialogue writer for an MMO I’m fairly certain that of a hundreds and thousands of people who’ve played this game only two of them have actually read the deep back story and lore of guardians of amber those two people are myself and a writer this has to change so let’s appreciate some of this intense dialogue together bol ollie is challenged you to a duel wait what is this of course I accept I don’t care if you’re a child or a 2000 year old legal aged fantasy child you’re gonna get a goddamn beatdown you lolly hag most people just smash the keyboard in situations like this instead I like to do what I call the Royal keyboard flush this technique ensures that your is likely to hit most of the keys you’re meant to anyway naturally with my superior technique and tactics I won coincidentally I ran into the same lollies later that day and we dueled again turns out they’re actually one of the few people in this game who speak English I’ve seen Portuguese Spanish Russian and polish being spoken on the global channels in Europe but never once have I seen English anyway we quickly became great friends they even invited me to lunch I couldn’t really attend so they just sent me some instant lasagna in the mail it was nice a little moldy but hey that’s free penicillin overall I had a fun time I came in with minimal expectations but the people and the community really make the game worth playing also it’s much more pleasant than my last experience with free to play MMOs since the last time I played a free-to-play MMO Lord of Rings Online was also the first and last time I tried Israeli hash I smoked that shit and fought nothing of it then I went off to play lotro with the boys I told them after some time go off and do this dungeon without me I’m not feeling too great then I collapsed and started panting sweating and physically convulsing on the bed turns out I was fiercely allergic to Israeli hash after about 6 hours of pure hell I decided that was the last time I’d ever play Lord of the Rings online now given but I don’t associate guardians of Ember with anaphylactic shock I give it a very good score I’m now contractually obligated to say these words play guardians of Ember today so SEF can live tomorrow help me did he deliver as well as can be expected in the merchants displeased but we got what we came for good accelerate production of the model – this one’s getting defective as you wish Chanin dismissed ‘no becky what an expensive mistake you’ve turned out to be [Music]

100 thoughts on “Guardians of Ember Review | Ad | Shilling | Sseth is a Hack™

  1. I feel like nothing is real. I've howled with laughter for 30 minutes at your reviews now. Fuck you i love you

  2. You're a faggot you aren't allergic to hash you just chucked a whitey you weak cunt. I had a hash cookie when I was 14 and felt exactly the same, I even vomited and passed out for 15 hours. Then I gave one each to two of my friends, one who was a bitch like me, and one that had been smoking for years, and the weak one got rekt like me while the other was just blazed as fuck. Don't blame some bullshit allergy that you pulled out your ass for your weakness. Sometimes shit is just too strong.

  3. Community sounds like the top selling points of MMOGs. Reasonable people can make the most bland thing playable.

  4. I actualy realy like the idea of cutting animation off to keep the game stable. it makes it look much better then "omygawddoihaveglassesson?"

  5. is that a real cubban cigar? ive heard that the real cuban cigar has hash in it i dont know if its israeli but whit hash is the 100% original cigar

  6. Remember that time China wasn't a complete moral, environmental, and social wasteland? Yeah, neither does anyone else. Nuke China into a fucking fishbowl.

  7. Do you live in the UK? I've never met a single American who can so accurately describe the diet of an average Scottish woman.

  8. Pitbulls are often used as the dog of choice by thugs and gangsters to raise and abuse to make killing animals to defend their homes and intimidate people. Smh. People looking at correlation and not causation

  9. The (((Merchants))) are behind this channel! NAME THEM!!! It's Sseth's only chance to escape an Brisraeli dungeon.

  10. Yo Sseth, all those sites you cited have been proven to be bias before against American Bull Terriers (Or Pit Bull)

  11. Фото твоих ступней теперь в России.
    Делай больше видео с русскими субтитрами или они утекут в сеть.

  12. The graphics look like the incestuous offspring of diablo 2 and 3, and then forced it to run on a computer that can only run windows 95.

  13. 9:09 For those who don't know portuguese, it means CumEater.
    Also we all portuguese gamers know the way to call for our brothers…

    Toskinder: TUGAS?

  14. How dare you speak about Miyazaki! He is a visionary and created a franchise that used themes never before seen in videogames. Like Death, Medieval Knights and Giant Titties.

  15. Sseth went mainstream after this and decided we don't need that sweet, creamy lore he used to like watching us swallow.

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