This kitchen is so hard to clean! If only there was an easier way! Hi, I’m Derek Bum! Say goodbye to daily stains and dirty surfaces with new Kitchen Gun! This sink is filthy, but just three shots from Kitchen Gun Bang! Bang! Bang! It sparkles like new! Look how it cleans this greasy hob! Bang! Bang! Bang! Goodbye dirt! Grubby tiles! Bang! Bang! Bang! I Love you kitchen gun! Rusty taps! Bang! Bang! Bang! *Laughs* You can even use it on the washing-up! Bang! Bang! Bang! There! All clean again! New Kitchen Gun! now with laser sights and night vision for after dark cleaning. Do you like elephants? Do you like trains? Then you’ll love Elephants and Trains magazine! Elephants and Trains magazine is the definitive guide for all elephant and train enthusiasts, and that’s not all! each week you’ll be given the parts to build this terrifying model! Elephants and Trains magazine *Elephant and Train Sounds* Sold out ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Oh, here’s the ham This brand; it’s half the price of that brand. Hmm. Internet Ham. What’s that? It’s the new way to buy ham This is just a card. Where’s the actual ham? Our ham is produced totally online so we can pass the savings on to you Just scratch off the panel to get your ham ID, then enter it onto our website and your ham is emailed to you almost instantly! You’ll soon grow to love the weird taste of Internet Ham! From Sinister Would you like to have a live one-on-one chat with a caveman? Our gorgeous cavemen are waiting for your call. Dial 09098-798-790 now. Call caveman chat and get primitive. When I wrote my novels all those years ago, I never thought they could be improved upon! Well, how wrong I was Now they’ve got even tastier! It’s the jammy goodness in new Dickens fruit corners that makes them a better read than ever! Charles Dickens is brilliant! It’s never been easier to get kids reading my masterpieces and it’s fun too! Each book comes in one exciting flavor. Nutrition experts have come up with the perfect jam to complement each story. Did Charles Dickens like Jam dad? No, he didn’t. New Dickens fruit corners Jam-packed with goodness. Please mom, may I have some more, Jam? Dickens fruit Corners. Do you sometimes walk into a room and forget why you came in? Yes. Forget people’s names or birthdays? Yes. Have you ever done something that immediately had no recollection of it? Yes. Then you need Amnesia Magazine. If you only remember one thing this week, make it Amnesia Magazine. Do you sometimes walk into a room and forget why you came in? Yes. Forget people’s names or birthdays? Yes. Have you ever done something then immediately had no recollection of it? Yes. Then you need Amnesia Magazine. If you only remember one thing this week, make it Amnesia Magazine. Blow out the candles Turn off the oven Lock the front door Secure the windows Switch off the bandsaw, and hidden your goal. But you’ve forgotten about the poison sockets Remember, poison sockets are full of poison Switch them off! Would you like to have a live one-on-one personal chat with a pirate? Our dirty pirates are waiting for your call. Call pirate chat now on 0909-879-8790. What’d you be waiting for? Get great deals at Complico, this widescreen TV only $37.42 squared. This mp3 player only $79.99 divided by $89.99 times $9.9 5.29368 percent off this fantastic microwave this kettle only $155.27 minus the price of the microwave we just showed you. Complico, always awkward prices! When your skin starts to show those first fine lines, turn to new evile moisturizing cream In tests at our hades laboratory, 66.6 percent of women said their skin felt softer More powerful and pledge their allegiance to Satan, the king of hell. People even say I look younger than my daughter. New evile from Sinister. Have you ever walked into a room which feels strangely familiar? Yes. Have you ever heard a sentence and think you’ve heard it before? Yes. Have you ever heard a sentence and think you’ve heard it before? Yes. Then you need Deja Vu Magazine. If you only re-read one magazine this week, make it Deja Vu magazine. Hi, I’m John, and I’m gonna give you a guided tour of the latest revolution in computer technology. The Mactini. The smallest computer in the world. You’ll notice it only has one key, but it still performs all the functions of a regular keyboard. For instance if I want to type the letter A, I press it once. For the letter Z, I press it- You guessed it, 26 times. Okay, how about punctuation? For a comma, I hold it down for 4 seconds, Release it for two, and then rat-a-tat-tat This and all the other combinations are explained in the manual. The Mactini is also a fully integrated entertainment system. It’s perfect for listening to music, watching movies, or even giving a business presentation. Since I started this commercial, we’ve brought out a newer, smaller computer. The Mactini Nano. We don’t need this one, absolutely. Thanks for watching. Everyone loves to laugh, but now you can with James Bond license to tell jokes on DVD. I shoot an assassin with a harpoon last week. I think he got the point. Recording for over 3 nights at the Lumming Poladium. Licensed to tell jokes, this is the funniest standup DVD on sale. I was brushing up on a little Danish and very nice. Nobody does it better! I once killed an assassin by throwing an electric heater into his bathtub, shock it, that wasn’t electrician James Bond, License to tell jokes. Live and let BUY… it now! Would you like to have a one-on-one chat with a real alcoholic? Our sexy alcoholics are waiting for your call The number won’t show up on your pillow. So call 09098-798-790 now. Get more great deals at Complico! This Fridge Freezer only π hundred Pounds! This laptop, buy now, pay in 237,000 seconds time! Complico, always awkward prices! When you’ve only got one hair, you need to look after it. Rick Delaying talks about new Elvene one hair. My hair was unmanageable. No matter what I did, it would end up looking dry and tangled. My hair was a mess. Elvene one hair’s concentrated formula is designed to strengthen your hair. Nourishing your hair from weak to tip. Especially designed for people who only have one hair Like me. Now my hair is soft and shiny and no tangles. I love what you’ve done with your hair What’s your secret? That’s between me and my hair. Look after your hair with new Elvene one hair. Do you sometimes have the feeling that you’re being watched? Oh, yeah. Do you hear voices in your head asking you questions? Do you ever scream out like leave me alone? Leave me alone! Then you need Paranoia Magazine. Yes, you need it. This toilet is so hard to clean! there must be an easier way Hi, I’m Derek Bum, and I’m declaring war on toilets with new Toilet Grenade! Just pull the pin, pop it in the bowl, pull the lid down and let Toilet Grenade do the rest. BAAAAAAAAANG! And the limescale’s GONE! Toilet grenade, BANG! And the germs are gone. And now new travel Toilet Grenade for foreign limescale. Do you want to have a live chat with one of our gorgeous Basil Fawlty impersonators? Call now and speak to real Basil Fawlty impersonators in your area. Dial 09098-798-790. Traditionally fashioned Chesterfield sofa. Made with darkest heart of Spanish Mahogany. Covered in sensual Canadian leather. Adorned with succulent circular buttons. Stuffed with moist Mallow and Cherries and Somerset Raisins, and soaked in the finest French brandy. Drizzled with double Devonshire cream And all for just four hundred pounds or two thousand pounds for a pack of six. This is not just any sofa. This is the Christmas pudding sofa. From Sinister, a family company. This is Sexual classics. The definitive collection of explicit classical records. Recorded over two sensational nights by the London pornographic Featuring the world’s horniest composers, sir Benjamin, Wolfgang van Amadeus, Mozart, James Bond, Rimsky-Korsakov and many many many many more. This is sexual classics. Available in all good sexy shops with free pack of condoms. Do you like rings? Do you like wings? Do you like bings, Do you like mings? Do you like stings? Do you like kings? Do you like tings? I like tings. Then you’ll love rings wings bings mings stings kings and kings magazine. Oh, it’s mi favorite. It’s only two shillings. I’m a vegetarian. We’re in love. I’ve lit one of these croissants. I’m not wearing any underwear. I’m stoned. I’m a racist. I’m pretending to have cancer. And we all love Duke’s Barrel cheese! Duke’s Barrel cheese, the cheese for liars. Do you want to have a one-to-one chat with one of our gorgeous dental patients? Call now and speak to real dental patients in your area. Call 09098-798-790. Make your appointment now. Get down to Complico for complicated bargains this boxing day! This Fridge/Freezer only Xmas pounds! Where X=1,6, M=37,1, A equals the square root of five and S equals π! And store wide There’s 20% off everything with the integral cross! But 3.7% is added to all products bearing the divided cross! Sales starts at 5 AM New York time – 8 PM Tokyo time. Christmas just wouldn’t be complicated without Complico. Since the dawn of time, man has sought to harness the ancient power of the primal elements. Fire, water Gravy. Throughout history, ancient civilizations have made mysterious and powerful gravies, and now their secrets can be yours. Week by week gravies of the Ancients magazine unlocks millennia of forbidden knowledge. Building into the greatest gravy library the world has ever seen. Solve the ancient Egyptian riddle of the gravy, taste the timeless and delicious lost gravies of the Incas, and unleash the dark magic of the Norse gravy long boats forged by the hammer of Thor and thick with mysterious onions. Pluck your dinner into the mysterious energies of the mightiest sources in history with Gravies of the Ancients magazine. Only 75 billion Pounds. As a model, it’s important to get my beauty sleep. If I’m not working, I can spend the whole day asleep on the couch. Sometimes my boyfriend plays tricks on me. He’s such an idiot. He loves drawing wrinkles on my face. He thinks it’s so funny. But it’s not great for my job. Now there’s a solution. Vetrein ink wrinkle cream removes drawn on wrinkles fast. Vetrein’s rich formula removed even the finest ink wrinkles! There. Now I look amazing again Where’d your wrinkles gone? Seriously, I think there’s something wrong with my boyfriend. Don’t have pretend wrinkles, have great looking skin. Do you want to have a one-to-one chat with one of our gorgeous zombies? Call now and speak to real zombies in your area. Call Zombie Chat now on 0909-879-6660 Hi, I’m John and I’m here to tell you about the latest revolution and domestic technology. The iToilet. Use iToilet just like you would use a regular toilet. With a standard iToilet account, you can have up to 1200 poos 8,000 wee wees When you’ve done your business, it’s converted into a file which is then emailed to us here if I do it at HQ. We’ve made clean up fully intuitive. So there’s no need to carry toilet paper. You just download what you need when you need it right from the iToilet store. Press print and you’re good to go. Thanks for listening.